The topic of abuse and BPD is quite complicated. There are no reliable statistics
for the percentage of domestic violence and emotional abuse that is linked to
personality disorders or BPD in particular. According to
Dr. Donald Dutton, a leading researcher of the connection
between domestic violence and personality disorders,
Frustratingly (for both clinicians and loved ones), the psychological defense mechanisms of dissociation, projection, and splitting often ensure that the person with BPD themself does not recognize the abusive nature of their own behaviors. It is very common for those with BPD to dissociate during periods of stress and behave in quite abusive ways which are perceived by the Borderline as a vitally necessary defense against imagined physical, sexual or emotional assaults on their well-being or safety (the tendency to re-live past experience of traumatic abuse in interactions with present companions is a hallmark of this and other traumatic or dissociative disorders). Convinced that they are dependent upon loved ones for their very survival, any perceived act of criticism or abandonment is very likely to trigger such a response.
The Borderline's reaction to this perceived present "abuse" or "abandonment" can range from mildly manipulative to outright dangerous. If dissociating strongly enough, the Borderline may not even remember the events afterwards. It is very common for folks with this disorder to mentally re-script the events, placing themselves in the role of "victim." Although irrational, the threat feels quite real to the Borderline, and unacceptable behaviors are vehemently defended with after-the-fact justifications.
For the non-Borderline loved one, obviously, these abusive behaviors can be exceedingly frustrating and/or harmful: although the internal emotional triggers for the behavior may not have anything whatsoever to do with them, those closest to the Borderline are nonetheless the targets of it. Long-term, aside from the physical danger to both male and female partners and family, the psychological danger for the non-Borderline partner is a gradual absorption of responsibility for this projected 'perpetratorship' and the resultant destruction of their own well-being and stability. The children and siblings of untreated Borderlines whose behavior is abusive can suffer particularly. Indeed, a rigorous review by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control has found that up to 50% of those who engaged in domestic violence against a spouse had also physically abused the children in the home. Regardless of actual assaults, numerous studies have made it clear that interparental violence in the home has a serious impact on the emotional development of child witnesses.
The classic "victim/perpetrator" dynamic falls short of taking into account the histories of abusers, who are often former victims themselves, as well as the histories of the abused, who may be predisposed to interpreting hurtful behavior as appropriate demonstrations of affection. Folks with BPD who experienced abusive childhoods are statistically strongly likely to re-enact this history via entering abusive relationships themselves in adult life.
This is an extremely difficult ethical dilemma to wrestle with: as Non-Borderlines, in the face of our own sometimes enormous pain caused by these abusive behaviors, we feel called upon to make a decision between blaming the person with BPD for being the abuser, and wanting to comfort them for being the abused. Therapist David Daskovsky summarizes this dilemma beautifully in his essay on treating the patient-survivor, The Abuser and the Abused:
Daskovsky offers this suggestion, difficult as it may be for loved ones as well as for professional counsellors:
Please do remember that as an adult partner or friend of someone with BPD, you did not cause their disorder and it is not your burden to cure it. Your role is to support, guide and offer your perspective without enduring intolerable abuse. The decision to heal, much as with alcoholics, must ultimately lie with the BPD sufferer.
Joseph Santoro, author of
The Angry Heart, a self-help book for Borderline and addictive disorders, offers this
mantra of the Existential Paradox for folks with BPD (and everyone) to remember:
The resources below can help to define and understand the components of this "secondary abuse cycle" in relationships with Borderlines, and offer some tips for the Non-Borderline on re-establishing a much healthier relationship dynamic.
If you have already made the decision to leave or have left your relationship with someone with BPD, please see: Leaving an Abusive Relationship with Someone with BPD for many tips on supporting and protecting yourself from further harm.
See also: Setting 'Boundaries'
"There is strong evidence that the majority of men who are either court-referred or self-referred for wife assault do have diagnosable psychological pathology. In general, about 80% of both court-referred and self-referred men in these studies exhibited diagnosable psychopathology, typically personality disorders."
Frustratingly (for both clinicians and loved ones), the psychological defense mechanisms of dissociation, projection, and splitting often ensure that the person with BPD themself does not recognize the abusive nature of their own behaviors. It is very common for those with BPD to dissociate during periods of stress and behave in quite abusive ways which are perceived by the Borderline as a vitally necessary defense against imagined physical, sexual or emotional assaults on their well-being or safety (the tendency to re-live past experience of traumatic abuse in interactions with present companions is a hallmark of this and other traumatic or dissociative disorders). Convinced that they are dependent upon loved ones for their very survival, any perceived act of criticism or abandonment is very likely to trigger such a response.
The Borderline's reaction to this perceived present "abuse" or "abandonment" can range from mildly manipulative to outright dangerous. If dissociating strongly enough, the Borderline may not even remember the events afterwards. It is very common for folks with this disorder to mentally re-script the events, placing themselves in the role of "victim." Although irrational, the threat feels quite real to the Borderline, and unacceptable behaviors are vehemently defended with after-the-fact justifications.
For the non-Borderline loved one, obviously, these abusive behaviors can be exceedingly frustrating and/or harmful: although the internal emotional triggers for the behavior may not have anything whatsoever to do with them, those closest to the Borderline are nonetheless the targets of it. Long-term, aside from the physical danger to both male and female partners and family, the psychological danger for the non-Borderline partner is a gradual absorption of responsibility for this projected 'perpetratorship' and the resultant destruction of their own well-being and stability. The children and siblings of untreated Borderlines whose behavior is abusive can suffer particularly. Indeed, a rigorous review by the National Center for Injury Prevention and Control has found that up to 50% of those who engaged in domestic violence against a spouse had also physically abused the children in the home. Regardless of actual assaults, numerous studies have made it clear that interparental violence in the home has a serious impact on the emotional development of child witnesses.
The classic "victim/perpetrator" dynamic falls short of taking into account the histories of abusers, who are often former victims themselves, as well as the histories of the abused, who may be predisposed to interpreting hurtful behavior as appropriate demonstrations of affection. Folks with BPD who experienced abusive childhoods are statistically strongly likely to re-enact this history via entering abusive relationships themselves in adult life.
This is an extremely difficult ethical dilemma to wrestle with: as Non-Borderlines, in the face of our own sometimes enormous pain caused by these abusive behaviors, we feel called upon to make a decision between blaming the person with BPD for being the abuser, and wanting to comfort them for being the abused. Therapist David Daskovsky summarizes this dilemma beautifully in his essay on treating the patient-survivor, The Abuser and the Abused:
"Another way therapists may get lost in this abused‹abuser dichotomy relates to confusing the child victim with the adult they become. If one exonerates the child from blame for their abuse, does one also continue to exonerate them for their behavior, which may well be a logical outcome of the abuse, as they grow up? To what degree and when do they begin to be culpable for their revictimizations, for their cruel identifications with the abuser, for their project to defeat caretakers to prove again that they were abused and neglected by thoughtless or selfish adults? In part, seeing these patients as either victims or victimizers may help one to avoid having to wrestle with such painful ethical questions." [Daskovsky, 1998]With appropriate commitment to treatment, it is possible for BPD sufferers to recognize and modify their abusive behaviors; it is also possible for the non-Borderline partner or loved one to learn to evaluate and limit the effects of such behaviors. Without independent treatment for both parties, the hopes of achieving this (and salvaging a healthy, workable relationship) are far smaller.
Daskovsky offers this suggestion, difficult as it may be for loved ones as well as for professional counsellors:
"Working with abused patients requires that therapists learn to sit with unbearable tension between intolerable choices, choices that are not really a choice: Do I neglect or intrude, abuse or let myself be abused? We do not do these patients any favor by offering facile methods or uplifting sentiments in the face of this choicelessness. The paradox here is that by stopping trying to escape the helplessness, we might actually be able to offer something that is truly helpful. What is required here is a tall order for those of us whose stock in trade is to hope and help: We need to tolerate the reality of our patients' and our own hopelessness and helplessness without acting to defend against these intolerable feelings. If we can succeed in doing this, we can help our patients to mourn for the choices they never had as children and to see more clearly the ones they do have in the present." [p. 13]If we can learn to stop making excuses for the abuse (mental illness does not equal free reign to harm others!) and sparing the person with BPD the natural consequences of their hurtful choices, if we can overcome the tendency to assume guilt for things we did not do, if we can detach from the overwhelming desire to try to eliminate their pain ourselves, it is possible for our loved ones with BPD to learn to stand on their own two feet -- and everyone involved stands a much greater chance of resolving and healing this tragic dynamic.
Please do remember that as an adult partner or friend of someone with BPD, you did not cause their disorder and it is not your burden to cure it. Your role is to support, guide and offer your perspective without enduring intolerable abuse. The decision to heal, much as with alcoholics, must ultimately lie with the BPD sufferer.
Joseph Santoro, author of
The Angry Heart, a self-help book for Borderline and addictive disorders, offers this
mantra of the Existential Paradox for folks with BPD (and everyone) to remember:"We are not responsible for how we came to be who we are as adults.
But as adults we are responsible for whom we have become and for everything we do and say."
[The Angry Heart, p. 64]
[The Angry Heart, p. 64]
The resources below can help to define and understand the components of this "secondary abuse cycle" in relationships with Borderlines, and offer some tips for the Non-Borderline on re-establishing a much healthier relationship dynamic.
If you have already made the decision to leave or have left your relationship with someone with BPD, please see: Leaving an Abusive Relationship with Someone with BPD for many tips on supporting and protecting yourself from further harm.
See also: Setting 'Boundaries'
Are You In a Destructive Relationship? A non-gender-biased inventory.
Abuse in BPD
RelationshipsExcellent summary of the issues, read this one first!
Recognizing Abuse in a
Relationship with Someone with BPDAlso good: more details, although uses the pronoun "he" for the abuser.
Emotional Abuse ChecklistFor those fond of online quizzes, this one will virtually tell you if you're living with someone who has BPD -- offers some very solid information in the results section.
The Cycle of Violence: Women Experiencing Domestic Violence
Very well-done, detailed write-up of the emotional effects of domestic violence on the female victim; applies in part to male victims as well.
The Difference between Domestic Arguments and Domestic Violence
Great write-up (with a critique of the classic Duluth wheel diagrams) by the Australian Group W.I.S.E.
Trauma at Home: "Sanctuary Trauma"
When Mr.
Right Turns Out to be Mr. WrongReally excellent description of the exact patterns leading into abusive dynamics in a relationship with a Borderline. Focuses on BPD men as partners, but applicable to women, too.
From Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, an online series of articles on recognizing abusive partners.
Frequently Asked Questions about Verbal Abuse
by Patricia Evans
from her excellent and informative
VerbalAbuse.com web site.Recognizing
Emotional AbuseExcellent essay!
Recognize the Signs of Emotional
AbuseExcellent personal account with links and resources.
Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse Web
siteExcellent resource: the Internet's largest collection of articles, explanations and resources on verbal/emotional abuse.
Plus: a message and advice forum!
The Crime of Family Violence8 Easy Ways
to Spot an Emotional ManipulatorNot for the faint of heart [contains obscenities], but a great, entertaining (and wise) read.
Assessing Whether Batterers
Will Killby Barbara J. Hart, Esq.
Traumatic
Origins of Intimate RageA detailed look at the (male) 'spouse abuser' personality, its origins and close ties to BPD. A must-read article!
The Batterer as Parentby Lundy Bancroft, author of Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
This summary article explains the parenting style of abusive fathers.
The Batterer as Parent: Addressing the Impact of Domestic Violence on Family Dynamics
by Lundy Bancroft & Jay G. Silverman, 2002.
Excellent new volume by two ofthe country's experts in abusive personalities.
From the review: "The Batterer as Parent takes the reader inside of homes affected by domestic violence, imparting an understanding of the atmosphere that battering men create for the children who live with them. Bancroft and Silverman show how partner abuse affects each relationship in a family, and explains how children¹s emotional recovery is inextricably linked to the healing and empowerment of their mothers. The authors cover the important but often-overlooked area of the post-separation parenting."
By Lundy Bancroft Sasian: Support and Information for Sibling Abuse Survivors
Excellent source of information and readings, coping tips, parental recognition and book recommendations for this undersupported group.
Understanding the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships
by Gary J. Maier, M.D., Psychiatric Times, 1996
The Drama Triangle: The Three Faces of
Victimby Lynne Forest
Great article detailing the Rescuer - Persecutor - Victim roles that according to Transactional Analysis are played by both parties in a dysfunctional relationship.
The "Betrayal Bond" Index
by Dr. Patrick Carnes, author of numerous books on sexual addiction, including the best-selling Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction and The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships (a perennial non-Borderline favorite).
What do Abusers
and their Victims Have in Common?This is an excellent, responsible page on Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website
Common
Characteristics of Abusers and the AbusedAnother good write-up that is a must-read for non-Borderlines.
Hot and Cold Love Addicts: A Lethal
CombinationBy Susan Peabody
Author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships
Lays out the basic forms of love addiction and how the dynamic works between a "hot" and a "cold" addict.
Lies Abusers Tell Their Partners
Brainwashing Techniques
How many of these sound familiar to non-Borderlines?
How does Mind Control Work?
... or these?
The Cultic Relationship
Check out Rick Ross' Brainwashing site for many more articles of interest.
"Wife
Killers Are Not "Normal Guys"by Susanne Smith, whose sister was murdered by her Borderline husband in a rage. Read the entire article and be honest with yourself if there are any similarities between what Susanne describes seeing in her sister's relationship, and your own.
In Loving
Memory of my Little Sisterby Abgela Castaldo
Another sister's write-up of her sister's marriage and murder by a Borderline/APD husband.
The Connection Between Batterers and Child Sexual Abuse Perpetratorsby R. Lundy Bancroft, 1997
A very sobering review of the clinical evidence amassed so far suggesting a connection between physical abuse of a spouse and the sexual abuse of children.
Passive-Aggressive (Negativistic)
Personality DisorderFabulous description of behaviors that apply equally to BPD. PAPD was removed from the DSM-IV as not comprising a distinct diagnosis (too much overlap with BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder); its descriptors fit BPD almost exactly and are quite helpful in understanding BPD.
For more, see Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
Drama queens, saviours,
rescuers, feigners : Attention-seeking personality
disorders, Insecurity and Centre of Attention
BehaviourFrom the fabulous British BullyOnline site. Not BPD-specific per se, but very applicable and great information. Heads will nod in recognition.
Jealousy,
Intimate Abusiveness, and Intrusivenessby Dutton, D. G., van Ginkel, C., & Landolt, M., 1996
Excellent detailed full-text study. Centers on "wife assault", but nonetheless very informative reading for everyone.
"Measures of the "abusive personality" reported in previous work by Dutton and his colleagues were significantly correlated with self reports of jealousy. Borderline personality , fearful attachment and the experience of trauma symptoms all correlated strongly and significantly with jealousy in this sample of assaultive men.
Dutton, Saunders, Starzomski, and Bartholomew (1994) had shown a strong association between borderline personality organization and fearful attachment, suggesting that the former had its origins in attachment disruptions.
Fearful attachment carries with it a strong fear of abandonment of which jealousy may be a component. Unable to recognize the broader concept of attachment fear, the assaultive male may construe attachment anxiety in terms of a sexual theme. This narrowing and shaping of their construction of attachment anxiety is probably a by-product of male sex role socialization."
You may also want to check out Dutton's top-notch, pathbreaking books on 'abusive personalities':
The Batterer: A Psychological Profile
and
The Abusive Personality: Violence and Control in Intimate Relationships
Understanding Victims of Spousal Abuse
by Frank M. Ochberg MD
Biased towards the (incorrect) opinion that women are always the recipients of abuse, but still valuable information.
Shame
An excellent article by Judith Pierson
The role of shame and guilt in the intergenerational transmission of abusiveness
Abstract of a study of partner-aggressive men.
Child Psychological Abuse
Brief identification of 8 dysfunctional patterns of child-rearing.
When Dad Hits Mom: Growing Up With Domestic Violence
by Michele Arnold
Assessing Risk to Children from Batterers
by Lundy Bancroft and Jay G. Silverman, 2002
Highly recommended description of the risks
posed to children both during and after separation and during custody proceedings.Games Alcoholics Play: The Analysis of Life Scripts
The perennial classic by Claude M. Steiner.
Neurobiology of Suicide and
AggressionExcellent full-text article by J. John Mann, M.D., 2000
The Neurobiology of Violence: An Update
by Jan Volavka, M.D., Ph.D. 1998
"Increasing evidence indicates commonalities between the neurobiology of violent and suicidal behavior."
Aggression and Transference in Severe Personality Disorders
by Otto F. Kernberg, M.D. in Psychiatric Times, February 1995 Vol. XII Issue 2
Kernberg is a leading researcher in the study of psychoanalytic approaches to BPD.
Alcohol and Abuse
THE DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE HANDBOOK ... A VICTIM'S GUIDEExcellent comprehensive guide on what to do, how to get a restraining order, etc.
From the LA County Sheriffs Department
Children's
Witnessing of Domestic ViolenceVery important article for non-Borderline parents/partners to read!
Romeo's Bleeding
An online series of articles for younger women helping to identify Borderline behaviors in prospective partners.
Muslims Against Family Violence
Links, boards and articles; a lifeline help # where the volunteers speak all East Indian and Southeast Asian languages
For Better or For Worse: A Blessing or A Curse
by Melissa Martin
A balanced Christian perspective on domestic violence
Domestic Violence
Selection of articles on domestic violence
Myths about Sexual Abuse
Abandonment
RecoverySet of great resources from abandonmentrecovery.com
Pet Abuse
Petabuse.com provides some scary statistics about the links between pet abuse and domestic violence. Great tips & resources for animal lovers.
Animal Cruelty and Family Violence: Making the Connection
from First Strike: Humane Society of the United States National Resource Center on the Connection between Animal Cruelty and Human Violence
Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources
Spouse Abuse in Religious Families: Some myths and realities (Jewish)
From Jewish Action, the Magazine of the Orthodox Union
What is Toxic Faith?
A Sick Body: The Crisis of Church Healthby John M. Crowe, M.Div., D.Min., APC
Abuse of Men/Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships
Since (officially) around 66% of those diagnosed with
BPD are female, it stands to reason that heterosexual
men and lesbians are the primary targets of BPD-induced
emotional abuse and domestic violence in
relationships.
Men commit approximately 60% of the domestic violence in the USA. This means that in 100 domestic violence situations, approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men or other women.
Below are resources for abused straight men and gay men and lesbians, who are too often overlooked in the abuse support community.
Men commit approximately 60% of the domestic violence in the USA. This means that in 100 domestic violence situations, approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men or other women.
Below are resources for abused straight men and gay men and lesbians, who are too often overlooked in the abuse support community.
Female-to-Male Abuse
About
Domestic Violence Against MenMy Life as
a Battered Husband: Living with a Borderline Personality
Disorder Suffererby Jay Casey
An Enquiry Into The Adult Male Experience Of Heterosexual AbuseLewis, A. (2000), University of Western Sydney. Full-text, unpublished M.A. Thesis; fascinating interview details with male targets of female abuse, conclusions and a thesis on the structure of masculinity in this context.
"The abuse of men by their female partners is a serious social problem, largely unacknowledged by society. It has the effect of exacerbating a sense of disempowerment which many men experience today. This study explores the nature and extent of abuse against men, how they are affected by it, and the social structures which enable the abuse to occur. My hypotheses were that the pain men experience as victims of female abuse is of such a magnitude that they are often unable to bear it, and also that there is a widespread prejudice against men which works against a just resolution in situations of heterosexual conflict. The origins of the bias against men lie in certain philosophies within feminism, which label a wide variety of historical and cultural developments with the single term 'patriarchy'. This simplistic reduction enables the proponents of these philosophies to condemn men as a whole for the problems of civilization.
My interest in this subject arose from my experience over the past twenty years in treating male patients with muscular problems. As I saw the pain in their faces and felt the tension in their bodies, some of these men began to tell me of the women in their lives who were treating them in ways which seemed to be negating of their sense of self and destructive of their ability to function.
In my research of the literature in this field I discovered that whereas studies of male victims investigate mainly physical abuse, those relating to the abuse of women cover physical, sexual and psychological abuse. I felt therefore that it would be appropriate to carry out a similar wide-ranging enquiry with regard to men."
The Thing
is, I Still Love Herby Daniel Hoste
A Woman-Child Left Behind, and, Behind Closed Doors - A Trip to OZ (Borderline Personality Disorder or others)
by CWF
A site dedicated to processing a man's experiences after the demise of a relationship with a woman with BPD.
When viewing the site, which is password protected, the author asks you to use this user name and password:
user name: dallas
password: tornado
Another
Place: My Encounter with Mental Illnessby Bill Wiseman
Memoirs, quotes and poetry by a man married to a Borderline wife whom he met while in an alcoholism rehab program.
"I Never Chased Him With a Knife Unless It Was Called For!" and other stories: Help for Men in Destructive Relationshipsby Jeff Gibbs
This is an eBook that can be purchased immediately online and stored safely on your computer.
"Help for Men in Destructive Relationships is the first book for men who've gotten the worst of it in a bad marriage. Based on interviews with dozens of men and women, it tells the story of men who have been emotionally, verbally or physically abused by their wives.
No new victim book, "Help for Men" also inquires into men's role in the relationship: how they got into it, why they stayed, and what, if any, abuse they dished out. When men had affairs, hit back, or hit the bottle, that's included as well.
Help for Men features twelve stories ranging from Bob in "Thank God and Greyhound," whose wife shot, stabbed and burned him; to Nathan in "A Bitter Taste," whose wife set up an elaborate plan to cover for her secret affairs. Between each story are worksheets to designed to assist men in their recovery. The worksheets are based on twenty years experience facilitating recovery groups and behavior change programs."
Stop Abuse for Everyone Site:
S.A.F.EOffers articles, support and contact information for shelters and advocacy groups
Some
Thoughts on the Rates of Reported Domestic Violence by
Genderby Cathy Young
Online Support for Abused Men/Gay Men/Lesbians
Provided by the excellent S.A.F.E. site
Bibliography: Men Raped or Sexually
Abused by Womenfrom www.vix.com
SEXUAL ABUSE OF MALES:
PREVALENCE, POSSIBLE LASTING EFFECTS, AND
RESOURCESfrom www.vix.com
Excellent comprehensive write-up by Jim Hopper, Ph.D.
Female
Sexual Abusers: A Theory of Lossby Hollida Wakefield, Martha Rogers, and Ralph Underwager
Very interesting article that discusses the characteristics of female sexual abuse perpetrators. Although the authors are proponents of the questionable "False Memory Syndrome", this article has some solid research and references.
Why Doesn't
HE Leave? Essay on battered husbandsExcellent intro to the topic by Armin Brott
Are You in an Abusive Relationship? Ultra-Sensitive Men and Abusive Relationships
by Bert H. Hoff and Roger Easterbrooks
Not as down-talking as the title makes it sound!
Woman Trouble
by Cathy Young
A short essay on female-to-male domestic violence, and what you as a man can do.
The Hidden
Side of Violence: an essay summary of the Book 'Abused
Men: The Hidden Side of Violence'and
"The Death of Phil Hartman: Why it won't be Analyzed"
By Phillip Cook, author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Myths about Male Sexual Abuse
from the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization
The Cop and The
SurvivorWonderful collaborative effort on domestic violence by, you guessed it, a retired cop and a DV survivor.
Among scary stats, a quiz, message boards and links, they've written a fabulous essay on resolving gender bias in domestic violence issues. Check that essay out here: There is a Way Out of Domestic Violence
Husband Battering
Great collection of resources, essays and the latest statistics.
Abused Guy Pages
Support & readings for abused men.
Why Worry about Men? Resources for Men in Destructive Relationships
By Jeff Gibbs
"Are you a Male Victim of Intimate Partner Violence?"
An online brochure
Model of Domestic Violence Against Men
A good re-working of the classic 'Duluth abuse wheel' description.
Citations for Research on Husband Abuse
from www.vix.com
Man to Man : A Guide
for Men in Abusive RelationshipsBook by Edward W. Gondolf, David M. Russell
Female-to-Female and Male-to-Male Abuse
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Domestic Violence in 2000
Compiled by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs with the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project (pdf file; requires Adobe Acrobat to read)
The Second
Closet: Domestic Violence in Lesbian and Gay
Relationships: A Western Australian PerspectiveExcellent comprehensive article by Lee Vickers
The gay community's dirty secret -- domestic violence -- is finally coming out of the closet
by Ros Davidson
Violence in Gay and Lesbian Domestic Partnerships
by Claire M. Renzetti (Editor), Charles Harvey Miley (Editor), 1996.
Geared towards raising awareness among social service providers, this volume also contains some helpful, validating information for anyone in an abusive non-traditional partnership.
Power and
Personality: An Analysis of Gay Male Intimate
Abuseby Donald Dutton, leading researcher of domestic violence and personality disorders, and Monica Landolt, 1997 Excellent article!
"In the present study, we found that when abuse does occur, it is not necessarily associated with power dominance, but with divided-power, as opposed to the most egalitarian power dynamic. Indeed, our results indicate that abuse can occur in roughly equal relationships." "[...] the centrality of Borderline Personality Organization in the Abusive Personality appears to be consistent across both heterosexual and gay male samples."
Gay Partner
Abuse ProjectExcellent site for gay men; includes a gay version of the 'Wheel of Violence"
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project
Unwanted Sexual Experiences and Sexual Risks in Gay and Bisexual Men: Associations Among Revictimization, Substance Use, and Psychiatric Symptoms
by Seth C. Kalichman, Feb 2001
"Explanations for the association between child sexual abuse and unwanted sexual events in adulthood have emphasized the roles of psychiatric symptoms such as dissociation, trauma-related anxiety, and borderline personality characteristics. Dissociation serves as a cognitive and emotional escape strategy that can be effective in coping with childhood trauma but becomes maladaptive in adulthood. Dissociation in response to fear producing events can translate to ignoring potential risks, including risks for HIV-AIDS. [...]
Trauma, dissociation, and borderline characteristics may be important risk factors for substance abuse, unwanted sexual experiences, and sexual revictimization in women. However, to our knowledge sexual revictimization, dissociation, trauma-related anxiety, and borderline characteristics have not been investigated in relation to unwanted sexual experiences among gay and bisexual men. The purpose of the current study was, therefore, to extend findings reported in studies of women to men who have sex with men, and to examine revictimization as a risk factor for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in men who have sex with men."
Men Who Beat the Men Who
Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic ViolenceGreat book by David Island; not recommended often enough!
Same-Sex Domestic Violence Bibliography
Community United Against Domestic Violence Same-Sex Resources page
GayScape Listings of Online Resources for GLBT victims of Domestic Violence
The Gay & Lesbian Self-Esteem Book
by Kimeron N. Hardin Ph.D.
My Trip to
Oz and Back: A True "Retrospective" Story Of My
Relationship With A Person With BPDFabulous letter written by a non-Borderline to her BP lover at the close of their relationship.
Is your girlfriend abusive? You are not alone
From the Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexuals (also in Spanish!)
Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians
Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships
Great page with links to advocacy and bibliography on lesbian domestic violence.
Myths about Abuse in Lesbian Relationships
Rainbow
Hope: Online Support Group for Lesbian Survivors of Abuse
and Their PartnersForum, email lists, articles and support.
Violent Betrayal: Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships
by Claire M. Renzetti
Woman-To-Woman Sexual Violence : Does She Call It Rape?
by Lori B. Girshick
"A woman raping another woman is unthinkable. This is not how women behave, society tells us. Our legal system is not equipped to handle woman-to-woman sexual assault, our women's services do not have the resources or even the words to reach out to its victims, and our lesbian and gay communities face hurdles in acknowledging its existence. Already dealing with complex issues related to their sexual identities, and frequently overwhelmed by shame, lesbian and bisexual survivors of such violence are among the most isolated of crime victims." ~from the review
Abuse of (Straight) Women
Why Don't These
Women Just Leave?Excellent autobiographical article by Elaine Weiss
Why Do Battered Women Feel Trapped?
Mind Control and the Battering of WomenSeminal 1986 study by Teresa Ramirez Boulette, Ph.D.and Susan M. Andersen, Ph.D.,that still holds true today -- examines the psychological maneuvering that occurs within an abusively-constructed intimate relationship.
Male
Perpetrators of Violence Against Women: An Attachment
Theory Perspectiveexcellent full-text article by Peter Fonagy, Ph.D., 1999
"This paper proposes an attachment theory formulation of violent acts perpetrated by men against women, usually in the context of sexual relationships. It is proposed that relationship violence may be seen as an exaggerated response of a disorganized attachment system. It is related to a disorganized attachment pattern in infancy coupled with a history of abuse and an absent male parental figure.
The author proposes a theory based on a psychoanalytic understanding of the development of the self and highlights similarities between the clinical presentation of male perpetrators and those with borderline personality disorder."
Women experiencing sexual violence: the cycle of reaction or recovery
A Comparison of Impulsive and Instrumental Subgroups of Batterers
Excellent article by Donald Dutton, leading researcher of abuser personalities, and Roger Tweed, 1998
This article reviews decades of study on abusive personality types and distinguishes between "instrumental" (antisocial) batterers and "impulsive" (dysphoric/borderline) batterers. It then discusses variations in attachment profiles to more exactly understand the etiology of these abusers.
"The impulsive batterers ([...] labeled
Dysphoric/Borderline), primarily confine violence to
their family, carry out moderate to severe violence,
and engage in sexual and psychological abuse. These
batterers are emotionally volatile [...],
psychologically distressed, have Borderline and
Schizoid personality disorders, elevated levels of
depression, and more likely to have substance abuse
problems. [...] withdrawn, asocial, moody,
hypersensitive to perceived slights, volatile and
over-reactive, calm and controlled one moment and
extremely angry and oppressive the next - a type of
"Jekyll and Hyde" personality."
Testing the Holtzworth-Munroe and Stuart batterer typology
by A. Holtzworth-Munroe, et al, 2000
From the abstract: "A. Holtzworth-Munroe and G. L.
Stuart (1994) proposed that 3 subtypes (family only
[FO], borderline-dysphoric [BD], and generally
violent-antisocial [GVA]) would be identified using 3
descriptive dimensions (i.e., severity of marital
violence, generality of violence, psychopathology) and
would differ on distal and proximal correlates of
violence. [...] Four clusters of violent men were
identified. Three resembled the predicted subtypes and
generally differed in the manner predicted (e.g., FO
men resembled nonviolent groups: BD men scored highest
on measures of dependency and jealousy; GVA men had the
most involvement with delinquent peers, substance
abuse, and criminal behavior; and both BD and GVA men
were impulsive, accepted violence, were hostile toward
women, and lacked social skills)."
Why Doesn't She Leave?
by Ann Jones
Stay or Leave? Go Back or Stay Away?
by Kim Eyer
Recognizing Emotional Abusers
Wife Rape (Marital/Spousal Rape) Information & Resources
Perspectives on Acquaintance/Spousal Rape
by David G. Curtis, Ph.D., B.C.E.T.S.
What to Do
When Love Turns Violent : A Practical Resource for Women
in Abusive Relationshipsby Marian Betancourt
Excellent book with loads of pertinent information on when to call 911, how to leave safely, testifying, seeking shelter, etc.
Wife
Killers Are Not "Normal Guys"by Susanne Smith, whose sister was murdered by her Borderline husband in a rage. Read the entire article and be honest with yourself if there are any similarities between what Susanne describes seeing in her sister's relationship, and your own. Provides a good heads-up for those who believe their loved ones don't 'see' what is happening inside their abusive intimate relationship.
Wearing Her Down: Understanding and Responding to Emotional Abuse
Very good, thoughtful article by Cheryl Champagne
Keeping the Faith : Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse
by Marie M. Fortune
Recommended as a sensible and sensitive guide to the staying/leaving dynamic for Christian women
Staying or Leaving?
Evaluating An Abusive Relationship with a Borderline
Evaluating An Abusive Relationship with a Borderline
Nobody can advise you in this situation better than
yourself, but I highly recommend reading the links in
this section first.
Path To A
Brighter Future"A Self-Help Program for NonBPs." A set of gentle, thoughtful exercises for you to work through as you come to your decision about this relationship.
Feeling that you HAVE to stay: Obligation - The Hook
by Non-Guy
From his excellent
Path to the Light
web siteMy Trip to Oz and Back: A True "Retrospective" Story Of My Relationship With A Person With BPD
Fabulous letter written by a non-Borderline to her BP lover at the close of their relationship: long, but you just can't put it down. Very helpful to see how someone else has worked through their decision to leave an abusive relationship with an untreated Borderline.
The Romantic and the Lover
Excellent, eye-opening essay from a Jungian perspective by David Cornfield, Creative Edge
Should I Stay or Go:
How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriageby Lee Raffel, Jean Houston
Excellent book to provoke you out of the black/white, all-or-nothing thinking of your Borderline partner.
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay : A Step-By-Step Guide to Helping You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship
by Mira Kirshenbaum
Whereas this book doesn't take actual mental illness into account, it's an excellent starting-off point for thinking things over.
In the Meantime: Finding Yourself and the Love You Want
by Iyanla Vanzant
~from the review: "What is the meantime? According to author and inspirational speaker Iyanla Vanzant, being in the "meantime" means being in a state of limbo. 'When you are not happy where you are and you are not quite sure if you want to leave or how to leave, you are in the meantime,' she explains. Rather than wallow in confusion, Vanzant encourages you to use the meantime as an opportunity to prepare yourself for true love. The first order of business is to clean house, starting with the basement--the place in the psyche where you store your most destructive thoughts. Room by room, Vanzant takes you through a metaphorical cleaning of the soul."
Psychological Barriers to Changeby Patrice Guillaume
Excellent detailed essays on the reasons it may be very hard for you to contemplate changing your current emotional situation.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
by Joanne Tangedahl
The Spouse/
Mate of the Narcissistby Sam Vaknin
Addicted To The Addicted
by Dalene Entenmann
Hot and Cold Love Addicts: A Lethal
CombinationBy Susan Peabody
Author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships
Lays out the basic forms of love addiction and how the dynamic works between a "hot" and a "cold" addict.
Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser/How to
Leave a LoserJoseph M. Carver, Ph.D. offers some excellent practical tips!
The Red Flag List -- Warning Signs that He (or She) is Bad News
brought to you by Heartless-Bitches.com. This is a fabulous, wise list! (some R-rated language)
Barriers to Leaving: Situational, Emotional and Personal Factors
A comprehensive but clear checklist.
Some idle thoughts on fishing & intermittent reinforcement
Fear of Loss
by Phil Walmsley
Is Divorce the Answer to Spousal Abuse?
by Ginny Hunt
This thoughtful and loving essay is vital reading for any Christian woman who is reluctant to leave her abusive marriage for religious reasons.
Also read Ginny's writing on Submission: What Does it Mean for the Abused Woman?
Keeping the Faith : Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse
by Marie M. Fortune
Recommended as a sensible and sensitive guide to the staying/leaving dynamic for Christian women.
For Better or For Worse: A Blessing or A Curse
by Melissa Martin
Recommended by a reader as a balanced Christian perspective on domestic violence.
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals
That Protect Us from Violenceby Gavin De Becker, 1998
Great book with tips for recognizing the almost predictable development of abusive signs -- highly recommended!
Child Witnesses to Domestic
ViolenceMore excellent reasons to consider leaving.
Problems
Associated with Children's Witnessing of Domestic
Violenceby Jeffrey L. Edleson, Ph.D.
Very important article for folks co-parenting with a BP partner to read.
Cycle of child sexual abuse: links between being a victim and becoming a perpetrator
Abstract of findings by M. Glasser, I. Kolvin, 2001
This study found that "among 747 males, the risk of being a perpetrator was positively correlated with reported sexual abuse victim experiences. The overall rate of having been a victim was 35% for perpetrators and 11% for non-perpetrators. Of the 96 females, 43% had been victims but only one was a perpetrator."
Symbiosis and
Attachment HungerKey ideas from transactional analysis by Tony White, 1997
Live Chat for Women in Abusive Relationships
Wednesdays at 9:00 EST: 'Not so sure about this relationship' support chat
Stay or Leave? Go Back or Stay Away?
by Kim Eyer
Please continue onwards to the materials on --->
Leaving and Healing from an Abusive Relationship with a Borderline Partner/Spouse
Leaving and Healing from an Abusive Relationship with a Borderline Partner/Spouse
For Concerned Friends Who Witness Domestic Abuse
How Can I Help Someone who is being Abused?
Women experiencing sexual violence: the cycle of reaction or recovery
Women experiencing sexual violence: intervening in the crisis
Written for professionals by the Alcipe Project of the Portuguese Association for Victim Support, this excellent guide walks through many very important strategic tips for friends & family, too.
"Wife
Killers Are Not "Normal Guys"by Susanne Smith, whose sister was murdered by her Borderline husband in a rage. This article provides some excellent emotional perspective from the view of someone close to the abusee.
The Trauma of Victimization
Great overview from the National Organization for Victims' Assistance
Do's and Don'ts for speaking with (female) friends you suspect are being abused
When a Friend or Loved One has been Traumatized
Courtesy of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies
This Page Last Updated: July 31, 2003
Helen's World of BPD Resources