Leaving an Abusive Relationship
Your very difficult decision to leave a chosen relationship
with an abusive or violent Borderline partner who refuses
treatment is in MANY cases the right one. As
documented on my Relationships and Abuse page, a
partner who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder is
at high risk for committing many forms of domestic abuse
and violence. If your partner accepts their disorder and is
in qualified long-term professional treatment, I am very
supportive of staying in the relationship -- tragically,
because of the nature of BPD ("the disorder that exists to
deny its disorder"), this is only rarely the case.
It helps neither partner for you to remain and enable the abuse by continuing to tolerate it: your mental and physical health will continue to decline, and your partner will have an excuse to continue avoiding appropriate professional treatment. Many folks with BPD will use any possible connection with a loved one to remain cemented in their dysfunctional emotional coping mechanisms.
Leaving abuse does NOT mean that you are abandoning your partner, it does NOT mean that you are a bad, disloyal person, and it does NOT mean that you are entirely giving up on the relationship, regardless of what your terrified Borderline partner may be telling you. If you feel you are remaining in the relationship for reasons other than affection, please check out Susan Forward's excellent book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You and Patricia Evan's equally good The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond.
Sadly, sometimes the best way to love someone is to leave them. The only comfort to be offered is the knowledge that you are not alone in this extremely heart-wrenching life choice.
Instead of fretting over "abandoning" your Borderline partner, ask yourself the question: until now, why have you been so willing to abandon yourself?
It helps neither partner for you to remain and enable the abuse by continuing to tolerate it: your mental and physical health will continue to decline, and your partner will have an excuse to continue avoiding appropriate professional treatment. Many folks with BPD will use any possible connection with a loved one to remain cemented in their dysfunctional emotional coping mechanisms.
Leaving abuse does NOT mean that you are abandoning your partner, it does NOT mean that you are a bad, disloyal person, and it does NOT mean that you are entirely giving up on the relationship, regardless of what your terrified Borderline partner may be telling you. If you feel you are remaining in the relationship for reasons other than affection, please check out Susan Forward's excellent book Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You and Patricia Evan's equally good The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond.
Sadly, sometimes the best way to love someone is to leave them. The only comfort to be offered is the knowledge that you are not alone in this extremely heart-wrenching life choice.
Instead of fretting over "abandoning" your Borderline partner, ask yourself the question: until now, why have you been so willing to abandon yourself?
Guide to Leaving a
Relationship with someone Suffering from Borderline
Personality DisorderExcellent resource, a practical must-read for anyone planning to exit their BP relationship.
The Usefulness of Separating from
a Partner in DenialA helpful collection of postings from partners from the BPSO Bipolar Significant Others' Support Group BPSO.org (this site is the bpdcentral of the Bipolar community). Their issues are extremely similar to the issues faced by partners of those with BPD, if not often the same.
Should I Stay or Go: How Controlled
Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriageby Lee Raffel, Jean Houston
Are You in Crisis?What to do first -- What to Say to the Children -- Where to Go for Help -- What Happens After an Arrest is Made, etc.
Dangerous Marriage: Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
by Linda McDill, S. Rutherford McDill
Advice for Christian women on leaving an abusive marriage.
How to Leave a LoserJoseph M. Carver, Ph.D. offers some excellent practical tips! Scroll down the page for the section on "tips on leaving safely" -- Dr. Carver offers some surprisingly good and detailed techniques.
Sheer
DesperationDr. Irene's excellent guide to the steps of leaving.
Getting Out of an Abusive Relationship
Excellent online guide!
How to leave safely, how to obtain a restraining order/order of protection, etc.
Abuse 101: How to Become a "Non-Person"
Leaving an Abusive Relationship
When the Relationship Ends, How Do You Let Go?
Geared for women, but applicable to all.
Leaving a Cult and Recovering
by Margaret Thaler Singer. Very familiar territory to anyone in an abusive relationship with an untreated Borderline.
Leaving Abusive Relationships: A study of Catalytic Factors
Very technical, but some might like it.
Men and SeparationFabulous compilation of research pertaining to men's experiences during the separation process, from the great Australian MENDS site for separating/divorcing men.
Separation Essentials for Men
Stalking and Harassment Issues
Unfortunately, a majority of people who must choose to
terminate their intimate relationship with someone
suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder experience
some form of post-facto harassment or stalking. This can
range from mild to quite severe behavior on the part of the
Borderline ex-partner.
The BPD diagnostic criteria of "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" is nowhere as true as in this particular situation. You may experience wildly fluctuating behaviors, from desperate pleas for you to return, to promises to "change", to violent raging and criminal offenses against your person/property.
Each case and couple are different, depending on the many personality factors involved.
Non-Borderline partners have reported everything from telephone harassment (up to 100 calls a day!) to homicide attempts. Many nonBorderlines report attempts to steal or falsify credit card information, bank accounts, and other material property. Some folks find themselves exposed to numerous "accidental" drive-bys and meetings in public places. Sometimes the family or co-workers of the non-Borderline are targeted for ongoing harassment. Many folks report concerted campaigns to legally discredit their professional standing. Your presence online (email, message boards, chat forums) may be a source of hacking and other attempts to discover personal details. Children are certainly most often the unfortunate battle-ground in cases of divorce and custody disputes.
In the majority of cases, this behavior remains in the arena of telephone harassment and a public smear campaign launched against you with family, mutual friends, and co-workers. However, violence or illegal harassment of some kind against the nonBorderline ex-partner occurs so often that one must IN ALL CASES be on one's guard for a worst-case scenario.
It is always best, before leaving your partner, to be aware of some ways to counteract the worst of these potential dangers. Consult with others in similar situations and exercise good, cautious judgement, even when you don't believe your partner could be capable of violence: better safe than sorry!
The BPD diagnostic criteria of "frantic efforts to avoid abandonment" is nowhere as true as in this particular situation. You may experience wildly fluctuating behaviors, from desperate pleas for you to return, to promises to "change", to violent raging and criminal offenses against your person/property.
Each case and couple are different, depending on the many personality factors involved.
Non-Borderline partners have reported everything from telephone harassment (up to 100 calls a day!) to homicide attempts. Many nonBorderlines report attempts to steal or falsify credit card information, bank accounts, and other material property. Some folks find themselves exposed to numerous "accidental" drive-bys and meetings in public places. Sometimes the family or co-workers of the non-Borderline are targeted for ongoing harassment. Many folks report concerted campaigns to legally discredit their professional standing. Your presence online (email, message boards, chat forums) may be a source of hacking and other attempts to discover personal details. Children are certainly most often the unfortunate battle-ground in cases of divorce and custody disputes.
In the majority of cases, this behavior remains in the arena of telephone harassment and a public smear campaign launched against you with family, mutual friends, and co-workers. However, violence or illegal harassment of some kind against the nonBorderline ex-partner occurs so often that one must IN ALL CASES be on one's guard for a worst-case scenario.
It is always best, before leaving your partner, to be aware of some ways to counteract the worst of these potential dangers. Consult with others in similar situations and exercise good, cautious judgement, even when you don't believe your partner could be capable of violence: better safe than sorry!
Stalking Victims' Sanctuary Discussion
Need to talk to others who have experienced stalking? Check out this great moderated support board!
Stalking Laws: State-by-State (USA)
The Anti-Stalking Web Site:
What to do if you are being stalkedCyber-Stalking.netExcellent collection of support resources, research articles & information regarding cyber-stalking.
Stalking BehaviorThis is another excellent web site with tons of research, legal support, tips on prevention and intervention for stalking victims.
Tips for those being stalked
Stalking Incidence RecordRecommended -- a logbook to print out and use for tracking the stalking incidents to which you may be subjected.
What to do if you're being stalked online
Excellent guide that walks you through your options. From Working to Halt Online Abuse (WHOA).
The Privacy Rights
ClearinghouseTons of good information and tips on protecting your privacy on- and off-line.
Summary of legal definitions of sexual assault, sexual harassment and domestic violence
From the Home Alive site.
Harassment, Restraining
Orders and Orders of Protection-->stalking, telephone calls, questionable obtaining of personal data, etc.
Excellent thorough advice, concrete tips and strategies from our friends in Minnesota. With legal links for getting Orders of Protection and Restraining Orders.
Angels in Blue: A Stalking TutorialExcellent online tutorial, focussing on online stalking, but of use to all.
Includes "How to Put a Stalker in Jail"
Highly recommended, especially for the detailed advice on how to save and document computer evidence of online stalking (email, IM's, chat groups, etc).
Safety
Strategies for phone/email/mail/workplace and homeExcellent pages from stalkingassistance.com. Includes a stalking journal and various helpful record-keeping forms. [note 5/4/02: this site appears to have "vanished", but do keep trying in case it's a glitch; excellent resources]
Stalking BehaviorVery similar to stalkingassistance.com, above; a comprehensive and extremely helpful collection of tips, resources and feedback.
The Stalking Resource CenterA new and comprehensive site from the National Center for Victims of Crime -- excellent resources!
The Kids And I: Advice for Women who are being Stalked by the Father of Their Children
All About Stalkers
Interesting detailed 10-part series by Katherine Ramsland. Includes a profile of "Female Stalkers" of interest to non-Borderline men who are being stalked.
Cyber-Stalking and False Victimization Syndrome
Great real-life "case study" written by a victim.
Survivors of Stalking
"Ending the Silence That Kills." Most useful for its list of links to legal anti-stalking resources.
Forms of Stalking
A good review by the End Stalking in America site
How to Spot a Stalker
Types of Stalkers
Very nice overview of the current theories of the various psychologies of stalking.
An investigation of the psychological characteristics of stalkers: empathy, problem-solving, attachment and borderline personality features.
Study by Lewis, et al, 2001
"Stalkers were identified by their endorsement of specific behavioral items, consistent with a widely adopted definition of stalking, denoting behaviors that: (a) are repeatedly directed toward an identified target; (b) are intrusive and unwanted; and (c) evoke fear in the victim. Stalkers scored significantly higher than controls on measures of insecure attachment and borderline personality features, suggesting that the stalking group demonstrates a general pattern of inadequate interpersonal attachment, has limited abilities to form and maintain appropriate relationships, is emotionally labile and unstable, and experiences ambivalence regarding their interpersonal relationships."
Safety for
Stalking Victims: How to save your privacy, your sanity, and
your lifeby Lyn Bates, iUniverse Press, 2001
Read a review of this book here
Outmaneuvering the Spammers, Swindlers and Stalkers Who Are Targeting You Online
By J.A. Hitchcock, herself a victim of cyberstalking, 2002
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals That
Protect Us from Violenceby Gavin De Becker, 1998
Great book with tips for recognizing the almost predictable development of stalking signs -- highly recommended!
Stalking: A
Handbook for Victimsby by Emily Spence-Diehl, 1999
Surviving
Stalkingby Michelle Pathe, brand-new in 2002
Stalkers and their victims
by Paul E Mullen, Michele Pathe, Rosemary Purcell.
Cambridge University Press, 2000. British volume that contains detailed information on what to do for the victim.
"Intimate Stalkers More Violent Than Strangers"
A scary article by Nicolle Charbonneau
Dozens of further Stalking Resources, Support and Links
Some Useful Tools
Residents of California: Safe-At-Home free mail forwarding program
Many states have implemented a similar program; check your local government listings.
Anonymizer free web surfing software
to protect your identity(for IBM-type PCs)
A Practical
Guide to Taping Phone Calls and In-Person Conversations in
the 50 States and DCExcellent compilation of all the current laws regarding admissible taping of evidence.
Send free anonymous email from this site, or rent an anonymous mailbox
Surf the web anonymously (and download free anonymizer software for PCs) from this site
Locate a lawyer nation-wide who is experienced in stalking/harassment cases.
The No-Nonsense Self-Defense Site
Assault Prevention Information Network
Self-defense course registry nationwide, excellent guide to evaluating self-defense courses, safety tips, articles.
AWARE: Arming Women Against Rape & Endangerment
Tips on resisting the so-called "Hoover": avoiding getting
sucked back in to an emotionally abusive dynamic with your ex (or
talking yourself back into it)
After you read through these online articles, do check out the list of books for folks who've just left their relationship, below.
I also highly recommend consulting my useful page of resources on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to gain some understanding of the psychological and physiological after-effects of abusive relationships, whether you precisely fit the diagnostic criteria or not.
I also highly recommend consulting my useful page of resources on Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to gain some understanding of the psychological and physiological after-effects of abusive relationships, whether you precisely fit the diagnostic criteria or not.
S.W.I.R.L.: The Five Stages of Abandonment
Regardless of who left whom, most partners who end a relationship with someone with BPD wind up feeling abandoned emotionally if not physically. Which stage are you in right now?
Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Fear (but were afraid to ask)Great insights by David Cornfield, Creative Edge
Avoiding Relapse: Catching Your Inner Con
Lynne Namka, 2001
Excellent advice for anyone recovering from addiction, including addiction to a dysfunctional relationship with someone with BPD.
Mistakes in Healing after the Break-upGreat piece!
Help! I Still Love My Abuser
by Dr. Irene
Stages of Healing & reaching them more easily
Helpful little piece.
When you end a relationship:
check out this list of things to resist and things to
create.A very helpful and detailed compilation by Cathryn Bond Doyle.
Accountability After AbuseThis is an extremely important checklist to read when you are feeling swayed by your partner's promises to "change" their emotionally or otherwise abusive behaviors ... if you'd only return to them.
He's Going to be Different This Time: Because You're SpecialTough, satiric read to cut through the layers of your denial. Very important stuff!
Love and Addiction
Lengthy online excerpts from Stanley Peele's groundbreaking book. For anyone who is uncomfortable with the notion of "codependence", this read is for you (and everyone else, too)!
On Love Addictionby Lorna Hochstein, Ph.D.
ADDICTED TO OUR MATES
Love Addiction Online Support Forums
How to Break Your Addiction to a
Personby Howard Halpern
I found this book very useful: clear, hard-hitting, and offers some helpful self-knowledge exercises for men and women. Not Shakespeare, but an affordable mass-market paperback.
Perpetrator
Personality Effects on Post-Separation Victim Reactions in
Abusive Relationshipsby Donald Dutton, Michelle Haring, 1999
"Men with high scores of abusive personality (borderline
personality organization, anger and MCMI8: Negativity)
generate more frequent and extreme forms of physical and
emotional abuse in intimate relationships. [...]
Substantial associations are found between abusive
personality and relationship dynamics and between the
latter and persistent attachment, trauma symptoms, and
lowered self esteem in battered women."
The Trauma of Victimization
Great overview from the National Organization for Victims' Assistance.
Toxic Nourishmentby Michael Eigner, 2002
Good writing from a clinian/philosopher who works with BPD patients, among others. Read an online excerpt at amazon.com. Great for understanding the push-pull of abusive familial (and other) relationships.
Tips for Some Self-Work After Leaving: Heal Yourself and
Avoid a Repeat Abusive Relationship. "Red Flag" wisdom.
Also check out the Book Recommendations on this topic in the
section below.
Here are some places to begin when you feel ready to approach
the work of healing and confronting the unhealthier patterns developed
either prior to or during a relationship with someone with BPD.
The Stages of
HealingAccepting Personal Responsibility
Bolster your sense of self and use this very wise checklist of steps in accepting personal responsibility for your decisions.
Path to the Light: The Journety to the Light after a Destructive Relationshipby Richard 21CP, a husband who divorced his BO wife after 17 years of marriage.
Releasing the Stored Emotions That Cripple Your Life
"This article explains how pre-verbal trauma lies at the root of relationship troubles and provides self-help instructions on how you can release it. However you can use the techniques described here to deal with all sorts of personal issues as well."
by Linda Edwards, PhD.
Longing for the Wrong One: Brief explanation of Imago Theory
Coming Out of The Cults
by Margaret T. Singer, Ph. D.
This article focuses on the psychological aftermath of having belonged to a cult -- see how familiar these reactions sound to someone emerging from an abusive relationship with an untreated Borderline.
The Red Flag List -- Warning Signs that He (or She) is Bad News
brought to you by Heartless-Bitches.com. This is a fabulous, wise list! (some R-rated language)
Bad Relationships (otherwise known as "How on Earth Did I Get So Stupid?")
Fiona of Heartless Bitches International tells it like it is. Even if some of the language offends you, definitely read it for the excellent list of tips on looking at your past bad relationship/s and avoiding repeats.
How To Survive After Separation
Fabulous article specifically for relationship abuse survivors.
Divorce
Recovery through RitualsGreat insights & suggestions!
How to Forgive: 10 Steps for Healing Hurts
Wonderful set of tips.
Guilt, Regrets and ForgivenessAn excellent set of personal essays by Arlene F. Harder, mother of an alcoholic son.
Letting Go of Love, part II
Black Swan: The Twelve Lessons of Abandonment Recovery and
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing
by Susan Anderson, Marcia Gerardi
Check out Susan's Abandonment Recovery Web Site, too!
Susan is presently soliciting personal stories of coping with abandonment for a new Abandonment Workbook due out in 2003.
Life After Traumaby Dena Rosenbloom, PhD and Mary Beth Williams, PhD
"A workbook for survivors of all types of trauma, offering activities, relaxation techniques, and self-evaluation questionnaires designed to help survivors develop inner resources for coping, self-understanding, and self-care. Readers will work on issues of self-worth, control, trust, safety and relationships, and learn to heal from trauma-related reactions that may be disrupting day-to-day life. Can be used on its own or in conjunction with therapy."
Living Through the Meantime: Learning to Break the
Patterns of the Past and Begin the Healing Processby Iyanla Vanzant
An Interview with Barbara Sher, author of I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was, How to Discover What You Really Want and How To Get ItVery good, provocative thoughts on combatting fear of success.
The Change Project
Interesting readings on marshalling your resources for change and growth.
Emotional Literacy; Intelligence
with Heartby Claude M. Steiner, 2000
Free online book!
This is an extensive revision and update of Achieving Emotional Literacy: A Personal Program to Increase your Emotional Intelligence.
"Love of self goes hand in hand with the cultivation of the
love of others and the love of truth. We cannot properly
love others if we hate ourselves. We cannot hate ourselves
if we truly love others. We cannot reliably love ourselves
or others unless we love truth. Only when we apply truthful
yet tolerant evaluation to ourselves as well as others can
we rely on a realistic basis for our affectionate, human
bonds. Only love of self, others and truth can bring us to
the passionate, loving advocacy that has the power to
defeat the Inner Enemy."
Recognizing Unhealthy Relationships and Creating Healthy Ones
Transcript of an online conference with Dr. Kenneth Appel at healthyplace.com
Reclaim Your Self: An online manual for survivors of sexual victimization
A great set of tips for both Borderlines and non-Borderlines.
by Bill Davidson
Infidelity and a Broken Marriage
Robert Burney's "Infidelity" page. Great reading.
Seeing God In New Ways: Recovery from Distorted Images of God
by Juanita R. Ryan
Books for Starting Over after the End of a Relationship
with a BP
Many of the published workbooks for Borderlines are also
applicable to non-Borderlines (who may also have family of origin
issues) who are working on the traumatic aftermath of a
failed relationship with a Borderline partner. For those
titles, see my Workbooks section.
As is the way of the American self-help industry, many of these titles are geared for women, but are also applicable to men. There are a few for men, but not enough. Non-Borderline males, start writing!
You may also need to check out my Stalking/Harassment Resources
The Immediate Acute Stages
As is the way of the American self-help industry, many of these titles are geared for women, but are also applicable to men. There are a few for men, but not enough. Non-Borderline males, start writing!
You may also need to check out my Stalking/Harassment Resources
The Immediate Acute Stages
The Hell With Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart
Edited by Mary D. Esselman, Elizabeth Ash Velez
Say no more.
It's My Life Now: Starting
Over After an Abusive Relationship or Domestic
Violenceby Meg Kennedy Dugan, Roger R. Hock
Fabulous book for women (but very helpful for men, too). Comprehensive and clear.
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Endsby Bruce Fisher, Robert E. Alberti, Virginia M. Satir
This book came highly recommended by a number of folks; there is also a companion Rebuilding Workbook, and the entire Rebuilding series is available on audiocassette, too.
Why People Don't Heal and How They
Canby Caroline Ph.D. Myss
An excellent book on the spiritual side of healing, very good insights.
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking
Free of Exploitive Relationshipsby Patrick J. Carnes
Highly recommended by gazillions of non-Borderline readers!
Find numerous other titles by Carnes at this link, too.
Here I Am: Finding Oneself through Healing and Letting Goby Mark Linden O'Meara
Highly recommended by a number of nonBorderline readers. from a review: "I wish I had this book when I was 21yr old! I had to do my own research to get my answers on emotionional healing. It's easy to say just "let go" but how do we really do this? Mark's book explains this in proper sequence and all walks of life can understand his writing style, which has a lot of humour in it! He explains the importance of laughter in our lives to be able to heal. I would recommend this book to anyone that would like to learn everything about healing your soul, from how your body reacts to unsolved issues to staying spiritually healthy. Bravo to Mark for doing the research for us!"
Healing the Shame That Binds
Youby John Bradshaw
Highly recommended by zillions of non-Borderline readers! Has a slight Christian emphasis.
Escape from Intimacy: The Pseudo-Relationship Addictions: Untangling the 'Love' Addictions: Sex, Romance, Relationships
by Anne Wilson Schaef, a mild critic of the 'codependency' movement, who offers alternative interpretations.
Time to Break Free: Meditations for
the First 100 Days After Leaving an Abusive
Relationshipby Judith R. Smith
Written for women. Great little gem of a book. Secular in its slant.
Obsessive Love: When It Hurts Too Much
to Let Goby Susan Forward
Forward has written a great number of books on relationship dynamics, many of which are also available on audio-cassette, such as: Obsessive Love: When Passion Holds You Prisoner or When Your Lover is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal
Growing Beyond Emotional Pain: Action
Plans for Healingby John Preston, Psy.D.
Conscious
Divorce: Ending a Marriage With Integrity: A Practical and
Spiritual Guide for Moving OnBook by Susan Allison, highly recommended by a number of divorcing NonBPs.
"Allison offers a unique blend of important practical information for every stage of marital breakup, support for long-term emotional upheaval, advice for dealing with lawyers, mediators, friends and family and the view that "marital bonds are never completely severed" (the relationship simply changes). Recognizing the long process as "not just the tremendous loss of another person; it is the loss of the dream you have believed since childhood," she details the possibility of proceeding with respect, compassion and love for everyone involved, including yourself, from the first inkling of a separation to the mixed memories that resurface even years later."
First Things First
by Covey, Merrill, and Merrill
Recommended as a great read for getting back in touch with your deepest values.
Life After Divorce: Create a New Beginning
by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
When Women Leave Men: How Men Feel,
How Men Healby Stan Charnofsky (came highly recommended, out of print but available used at amazon.com and elsewhere)
Love and Betrayal
by John Amodeo, Charles L. Whitfield
Read an author interview on 'men dealing with betrayal' and order the book at this link.
Believing in Myself: Daily Meditations for Healing and Building Self-Esteem
by Earnie Larsen, Carol Hegarty
Healing the Scars of Emotional Abuseby Gregory L. Jantz
Surviving Domestic Violence, Voices of
Women Who Broke Freeby Elaine Weiss
Moving Along, Forgiveness, and Making New Choices
Heartwounds: The
Impact of Unresolved Grief and Trauma on
RelationshipsThoughtful, beautifully written and wise stuff by Tian Dayton.
Definitely read this online excerpt of this excellent book!
The Forgiving Self: The Road from
Resentment to Connectionby Robert Karen, PhD
From the reviews: "Karen shows how loss (especially in
early childhood) and resentment build up a wall that can
make forgiveness impossible. However, Karen shows that it
is possible and necessary to forgive the transgressions of
ourselves and others. Dr. Karen writes that our capacity to
forgive reveals much about our characterÐincluding our
ability to recognize the humanity in someone who has hurt
us and to see our own limitations and complicity in
whatever went wrong. He argues that the forgiving spirit
not only liberates us from feeling victimized by others but
frees us from compulsive self-hatred and regret as well:
for forgiving others is nothing but the mirror image of
forgiving oneself."
Family Secrets: The Path to
Self-Acceptance and ReunionBook by John Bradshaw, author of Healing the Shame that Binds You, a perennial non-Borderline best-seller.
The Price of NiceAudiocassette by John Bradshaw (great on-the-road listening!)
"Nice guys often finish last. In this lecture, John Bradshaw exposes the hidden and frequently destructive forces behind the facade of being the "nice guy". Here, he explains how such behavior can destroy relationships and intimacy by never being honestly connected with others. Finally, Bradshaw offers practical insights into how listeners can learn to be kindly but firmly direct about how they feel, and find that place in their lives where they can be who they really are."
Creating Love/the Next Great Stage of
Growthby John Bradshaw
Excuse Me: Your Life is Waiting. The Astonishing Power of Feelings
by Lynn Grabhorn. Also available as an audio cassette.
The Loneliness Workbook: A Guide
to Developing and Maintaining Lasting Connectionsby Mary Ellen Copeland
True Self/False
Self: Unmasking the Spirit Withinby M. Basil Pennington
The author, a Trappist monk, asks "Are we not unhappy because we cannot do something we want to do, we cannot have something we want to have, or because we’re concerned about what other will think? The first step towards freedom lies in coming to this realization."
Daily Affirmations for Forgiving and Moving On
by Tian Dayton
Trust After Trauma: A Guide to Relationships for Survivors
and Those Who Love Themby Aphrodite Matsakis
Read an excerpt at this link, too.
Safe People: How to Find
Relationships that are Good for Youby Henry Cloud, John Townsend
Also has a new companion workbook.
Emotional Unavailability : Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trapby Bryn C. Collins
"I read Dr. Collins' book just after the break-up of a major and important relationship in my life. Once I came up for air and started wanting to live again, I had to take an honest look at my life - seems I was into a pattern of selecting men who fell into the "emotionally unavailable" category. I could have gone on and on to all my friends (and anyone who'd listen) about how awful men are, but I decided instead to accept some responsibility for myself and learn what it is/was about ME that fell for the emotionally unavailable man. Wow. Thank you, Dr. Collins, for mapping out why I was attracted to the unhealthy behaviors."
From Love That Hurts to Love That's Real: A Recovery Workbookby Sylvia Ogden Peterson
Lethal Lovers and Poisonous People: How to Protect Your Health From
Relationships That Make You Sickby by Harriet B. Braiker
Time to Fly Free: Meditations for Those Who Have Left an Abusive Relationship
by Judith R. Smith
Choicemaking. For spirituality seekers, co-dependents and adult children
by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
After the Breakup : Women Sort through the Rubble and Rebuild Lives of New Possibilities
by Angela Watrous
I liked this one: spunky and good for professional women.
The Gay & Lesbian Self-Esteem Book
by Kimeron N. Hardin Ph.D.
Reclaiming Your Life : The Gay Man's
Guide to Love, Self-Acceptance, and Trustby Rik Isensee
This book was formerly titled Growing Up Gay in a Dysfunctional Family: a Guide for Gay Men Reclaiming Their Lives and is the best title out there for understanding and recovering from an abusive gay relationship dynamic.
The Gift of
Fear: Survival Signals That Protect Us from Violenceby Gavin De Becker, 1998
Great book with tips for recognizing the almost predictable development of "red flags" in relationships.
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda: Overcoming Regrets, Mistakes, and Missed Opportunities
by Dr. Arthur Freeman, Rose Dewolf
Forgiveness Is a Choice : A Step-By-Step
Process for Resolving Anger and Restoring Hopeby Robert D. Enright. Brand-new in August 2001!
Forgiveness: Loss, Resentment, and Letting Go
by Robert Karen
Freedom Through Forgiving: A Workbook for Everyone Who's Been Hurt by Someone
by Dwight Lee Wolter, Jane Noland
Good exercises and strategies for letting go of the anger and becoming more healthily self-protective.
The Learning to Love Yourself Workbook
by Gay Hendricks, PhD
Brave New You: 12 Dynamic Strategies for Saying What You Want & Being Who You Are
by Mary & John Valentis
"For women who were brought up to be nice, not to make waves, and defer their own needs to others', Mary and John Valentis' book will come not just as a breath of fresh air, but as a blast of life-giving oxygen. If you've ever wondered what became of the eager, assertive, fearless little girl you once were, Brave New You is the perfect guide to help you again live life on your own terms." ÑSherry Christie
Why We Pick the Mates We Do: A step-by-step program to select a better partner or improve the relationship you're already in
by Anne Teachworth
This sounds cheesy but contains some valuable insights about the effect of our parental relationships on our adult romances.
Mr. Right Is Out There: The Gay Man's Guide to Finding and Maintaining Love
by Kenneth D. George
A great book to help explore past/childhood issues that are creating stumbling blocks in current relationships.
Affairs of the Net: The Cybershrinks' Guide to Online Relationships
by Michael Adamse, Ph.D. & Sheree Motta, Psy.D.
Charmers & Con Artists: And Their Flip Side...
by Sandra Scott
Guide to recognizing the abusive side of seemingly 'perfect' potential partners.
Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap
by Bryn C. Collins
More great stuff for nons.
When God's People Let You Down/How to Rise Above Hurts That Often Occur Within the Church
by Jeffrey Vanvonderen
The Power of Apology: Healing
Steps to Transform All Your Relationshipsby Beverly Engel. Brand-new, wonderful volume on this topic.
Suicide Survivors - A Guide For Those Left Behind
by Adina Wrobleski
Suicide Survivor's Handbook : A Guide to the Bereaved and Those Who Wish to Help Them
by Trudy Carlson
This Page Last Updated: November 20, 2003
Helen's World of BPD Resources