There are no reliable statistics for the percentage of
domestic violence and emotional abuse that is linked to
personality disorders or BPD in particular. According to
Donald Dutton, a leading researcher of the connection
between domestic violence and personality disorders,
"There is strong evidence that the majority of men who
are either court-referred or self-referred for wife
assault do have diagnosable psychological pathology. In
general, about 80% of both court-referred and
self-referred men in these studies exhibited diagnosable
psychopathology, typically personality
disorders."
The topic of abuse and BPD is quite complicated. The classic "victim/perpetrator" dynamic falls short of taking into account the histories of abusers, who are often former victims themselves, as well as the histories of the abused, who may be predisposed to interpreting hurtful behavior as appropriate demonstrations of affection.
The psychological defense mechanisms of dissociation, projection, and splitting often ensure that the Borderline does not recognize the abusive nature of their own behaviors. It is very common for those with BPD to dissociate during periods of stress and behave in quite abusive ways which are perceived by the Borderline as "necessary defense" against imagined physical, sexual or emotional assaults on their well-being or safety (the tendency to re-live past experience of traumatic abuse in interactions with present companions is a hallmark of this and other traumatic or dissociative disorders).
The Borderline's reaction to this perceived present "abuse" can range from mildly manipulative to outright dangerous. If dissociating strongly enough, the Borderline may not even remember the events afterwards. It is very common for folks with this disorder to mentally re-script the events, placing themselves in the role of "victim." Although irrational, the threat feels quite real to the Borderline, and unacceptable behaviors are vehemently defended with after-the-fact justifications.
For the non-Borderline, obviously, these abusive behaviors can be exceedingly frustrating and/or harmful: although the "triggers" for the behavior may not have anything to do with them, those closest to the Borderline are nonetheless the targets of it. Long-term, aside from the physical danger to both male and female partners and family, the psychological danger for the non-Borderline partner is a gradual absorption of responsibility for this projected 'perpetratorship' and the resultant destruction of their own well-being and stability. Children and siblings of untreated Borderlines can suffer particularly.
With appropriate treatment, it is possible for BPD sufferers to recognize and modify their abusive behaviors; it is also possible for the non-BP to learn to evaluate and limit the effects of such behaviors. Without independent treatment for both parties, the hopes of achieving this (and salvaging a healthy, workable relationship) are far smaller.
The resources below can help to define and understand the components of this "secondary abuse cycle" in relationships with Borderlines. See also: Setting 'Boundaries'
The topic of abuse and BPD is quite complicated. The classic "victim/perpetrator" dynamic falls short of taking into account the histories of abusers, who are often former victims themselves, as well as the histories of the abused, who may be predisposed to interpreting hurtful behavior as appropriate demonstrations of affection.
The psychological defense mechanisms of dissociation, projection, and splitting often ensure that the Borderline does not recognize the abusive nature of their own behaviors. It is very common for those with BPD to dissociate during periods of stress and behave in quite abusive ways which are perceived by the Borderline as "necessary defense" against imagined physical, sexual or emotional assaults on their well-being or safety (the tendency to re-live past experience of traumatic abuse in interactions with present companions is a hallmark of this and other traumatic or dissociative disorders).
The Borderline's reaction to this perceived present "abuse" can range from mildly manipulative to outright dangerous. If dissociating strongly enough, the Borderline may not even remember the events afterwards. It is very common for folks with this disorder to mentally re-script the events, placing themselves in the role of "victim." Although irrational, the threat feels quite real to the Borderline, and unacceptable behaviors are vehemently defended with after-the-fact justifications.
For the non-Borderline, obviously, these abusive behaviors can be exceedingly frustrating and/or harmful: although the "triggers" for the behavior may not have anything to do with them, those closest to the Borderline are nonetheless the targets of it. Long-term, aside from the physical danger to both male and female partners and family, the psychological danger for the non-Borderline partner is a gradual absorption of responsibility for this projected 'perpetratorship' and the resultant destruction of their own well-being and stability. Children and siblings of untreated Borderlines can suffer particularly.
With appropriate treatment, it is possible for BPD sufferers to recognize and modify their abusive behaviors; it is also possible for the non-BP to learn to evaluate and limit the effects of such behaviors. Without independent treatment for both parties, the hopes of achieving this (and salvaging a healthy, workable relationship) are far smaller.
The resources below can help to define and understand the components of this "secondary abuse cycle" in relationships with Borderlines. See also: Setting 'Boundaries'
Are You In a Destructive Relationship? A non-gender-biased inventory.
Abuse in BPD
RelationshipsExcellent summary of the issues, read this one first!
Recognizing Abuse in a
Relationship with Someone with BPDAlso good: more details, although uses the pronoun "he" for the abuser.
Emotional Abuse ChecklistFor those fond of online quizzes, this one will virtually tell you if you're living with someone who has BPD -- offers some very solid information in the results section.
The Difference between Domestic Arguments and Domestic Violence
Great write-up (with a critique of the classic Duluth wheel diagrams) by the Australian Group W.I.S.E.
Trauma at Home: "Sanctuary Trauma"
When Mr.
Right Turns Out to be Mr. WrongReally excellent description of the exact patterns leading into abusive dynamics in a relationship with a Borderline. Focuses on BPD men as partners, but applicable to women, too.
From Romeo's Bleeding by Roger Melton, an online series of articles on recognizing abusive partners.
Frequently Asked Questions about Verbal Abuse
by Patricia Evans
from her excellent and informative
VerbalAbuse.com web site.Recognizing
Emotional AbuseExcellent essay!
Recognize the Signs of Emotional
AbuseExcellent personal account with links and resources.
Dr Irene's Verbal Abuse Web
siteExcellent resource: the Internet's largest collection of articles, explanations and resources on verbal/emotional abuse.
Plus: a message and advice forum!
8 Easy Ways
to Spot an Emotional ManipulatorNot for the faint of heart [contains obscenities], but a great, entertaining (and wise) read.
Assessing Whether Batterers
Will Killby Barbara J. Hart, Esq.
Traumatic
Origins of Intimate RageA detailed look at the (male) 'spouse abuser' personality, its origins and close ties to BPD. A must-read article!
Sasian: Support and Information for Sibling Abuse Survivors
Excellent source of information and readings, coping tips, parental recognition and book recommendations for this undersupported group.
Understanding the Dynamics of Abusive Relationships
by Gary J. Maier, M.D., Psychiatric Times, 1996
The Drama Triangle: The Three Faces of
Victimby Lynne Forest
Great article detailing the Rescuer - Persecutor - Victim roles that according to Transactional Analysis are played by both parties in a dysfunctional relationship.
The "Betrayal Bond" Index
by Dr. Patrick Carnes, author of numerous books on sexual addiction, including the best-selling Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction and The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships (a perennial non-Borderline favorite).
What do Abusers
and their Victims Have in Common?This is an excellent, responsible page on Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse website
Common
Characteristics of Abusers and the AbusedAnother good write-up that is a must-read for non-Borderlines.
Hot and Cold Love Addicts: A Lethal
CombinationBy Susan Peabody
Author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships
Lays out the basic forms of love addiction and how the dynamic works between a "hot" and a "cold" addict.
Lies Abusers Tell Their Partners
Brainwashing Techniques
How many of these sound familiar to non-Borderlines?
How does Mind Control Work?
... or these?
The Cultic Relationship
Check out Rick Ross' Brainwashing site for many more articles of interest.
"Wife
Killers Are Not "Normal Guys"by Susanne Smith, whose sister was murdered by her Borderline husband in a rage. Read the entire article and be honest with yourself if there are any similarities between what Susanne describes seeing in her sister's relationship, and your own.
In Loving
Memory of my Little Sisterby Abgela Castaldo
Another sister's write-up of her sister's marriage and murder by a Borderline/APD husband.
Passive-Aggressive (Negativistic)
Personality DisorderFabulous description of behaviors that apply equally to BPD. PAPD was removed from the DSM-IV as not comprising a distinct diagnosis (too much overlap with BPD and Dependent Personality Disorder); its descriptors fit BPD almost exactly and are quite helpful in understanding BPD.
For more, see Passive-Aggressive Personality Disorder
Drama queens, saviours,
rescuers, feigners : Attention-seeking personality
disorders, Insecurity and Centre of Attention
BehaviourFrom the fabulous British BullyOnline site. Not BPD-specific per se, but very applicable and great information. Heads will nod in recognition.
Jealousy,
Intimate Abusiveness, and Intrusivenessby Dutton, D. G., van Ginkel, C., & Landolt, M., 1996
Excellent detailed full-text study:
"Measures of the "abusive personality" reported in previous work by Dutton and his colleagues were significantly correlated with self reports of jealousy. Borderline personality , fearful attachment and the experience of trauma symptoms all correlated strongly and significantly with jealousy in this sample of assaultive men. Dutton, Saunders, Starzomski, and Bartholomew (1994) had shown a strong association between borderline personality organization and fearful attachment, suggesting that the former had its origins in attachment disruptions. Fearful attachment carries with it a strong fear of abandonment of which jealousy may be a component. Unable to recognize the broader concept of attachment fear, the assaultive male may construe attachment anxiety in terms of a sexual theme. This narrowing and shaping of their construction of attachment anxiety is probably a by-product of male sex role socialization."
Centers on "wife assault", but nonetheless good reading for everyone.
Understanding Victims of Spousal Abuse
by Frank M. Ochberg MD
Biased towards the (incorrect) opinion that women are always the recipients of abuse, but still valuable information.
Male
Perpetrators of Violence Against Women: An Attachment
Theory Perspectiveexcellent full-text article by Peter Fonagy, Ph.D., 1999
"This paper proposes an attachment theory formulation of violent acts perpetrated by men against women, usually in the context of sexual relationships. It is proposed that relationship violence may be seen as an exaggerated response of a disorganized attachment system. It is related to a disorganized attachment pattern in infancy coupled with a history of abuse and an absent male parental figure. The author proposes a theory based on a psychoanalytic understanding of the development of the self and highlights similarities between the clinical presentation of male perpetrators and those with borderline personality disorder."
Shame
An excellent article by Judith Pierson
The role of shame and guilt in the intergenerational transmission of abusiveness
Abstract of a study of partner-aggressive men.
Child Psychological Abuse
Brief identification of 8 dysfunctional patterns of child-rearing.
Games Alcoholics Play: The Analysis of Life Scripts
The perennial classic by Claude M. Steiner.
Neurobiology of Suicide and
AggressionExcellent full-text article by J. John Mann, M.D., 2000
The Neurobiology of Violence: An Update
by Jan Volavka, M.D., Ph.D. 1998
"Increasing evidence indicates commonalities between the neurobiology of violent and suicidal behavior."
Aggression and Transference in Severe Personality Disorders
by Otto F. Kernberg, M.D. in Psychiatric Times, February 1995 Vol. XII Issue 2
Kernberg is a leading researcher in the study of psychoanalytic approaches to BPD.
Alcohol and Abuse
THE DOMESTIC
VIOLENCE HANDBOOK ... A VICTIM'S GUIDEExcellent comprehensive guide on what to do, how to get a restraining order, etc.
From the LA County Sheriffs Department
Children's
Witnessing of Domestic ViolenceVery important article for non-Borderline parents/partners to read!
Romeo's Bleeding
An online series of articles for younger women helping to identify Borderline behaviors in prospective partners.
Muslims Against Family Violence
Links, boards and articles; a lifeline help # where the volunteers speak all East Indian and Southeast Asian languages
For Better or For Worse: A Blessing or A Curse
by Melissa Martin
A balanced Christian perspective on domestic violence
Domestic Violence
Selection of articles on domestic violence
Myths about Sexual Abuse
Abandonment
RecoverySet of great resources from abandonmentrecovery.com
Spiritual Abuse Recovery Resources
Spouse Abuse in Religious Families: Some myths and realities (Jewish)
From Jewish Action, the Magazine of the Orthodox Union
Pet Abuse
Petabuse.com provides some scary statistics about the links between pet abuse and domestic violence. Great tips & resources for animal lovers.
Does cruelty to animals lead to cruelty to people?
American Human Society National Resource Center on the Link between Cruelty to People and Animals
What is Toxic Faith?
Abuse of Men/Abuse in Same-Sex Relationships
Since (officially) around 66% of those diagnosed with
BPD are female, it stands to reason that heterosexual
men and lesbians are the primary targets of BPD-induced
emotional abuse and domestic violence in
relationships.
Men commit approximately 60% of the domestic violence in the USA. This means that in 100 domestic violence situations, approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men or other women.
Here are some vital links for abused men and gay men and lesbians, who are too often overlooked in the abuse support community.
Men commit approximately 60% of the domestic violence in the USA. This means that in 100 domestic violence situations, approximately 40 cases involve violence by women against men or other women.
Here are some vital links for abused men and gay men and lesbians, who are too often overlooked in the abuse support community.
Female-to-Male Abuse
About
Domestic Violence Against MenMy Life as
a Battered Husband: Living with a Borderline Personality
Disorder Suffererby Jay Casey
The Thing
is, I Still Love Herby Daniel Hoste
A Woman-Child Left Behind, and, Behind Closed Doors - A Trip to OZ (Borderline Personality Disorder or others)
by CWF
A site dedicated to processing a man's experiences after the demise of a relationship with a woman with BPD.
When viewing the site, which is password protected, the author asks you to use this user name and password:
user name: dallas
password: tornado
Another
Place: My Encounter with Mental Illnessby Bill Wiseman
Memoirs, quotes and poetry by a man married to a Borderline wife whom he met while in an alcoholism rehab program.
Stop Abuse for Everyone Site:
S.A.F.EOffers articles, support and contact information for shelters and advocacy groups
Some
Thoughts on the Rates of Reported Domestic Violence by
Genderby Cathy Young
Online Support for Abused Men/Gay Men/Lesbians
Provided by the excellent S.A.F.E. site
Bibliography: Men Raped or Sexually
Abused by Womenfrom www.vix.com
SEXUAL ABUSE OF MALES:
PREVALENCE, POSSIBLE LASTING EFFECTS, AND
RESOURCESfrom www.vix.com
Excellent comprehensive write-up by Jim Hopper, Ph.D.
Female
Sexual Abusers: A Theory of Lossby Hollida Wakefield, Martha Rogers, and Ralph Underwager
Very interesting article that discusses the characteristics of female sexual abuse perpetrators. Although the authors are proponents of the questionable "False Memory Syndrome", this article has some solid research and references.
Why Doesn't
HE Leave? Essay on battered husbandsExcellent intro to the topic by Armin Brott
Are You in an Abusive Relationship? Ultra-Sensitive Men and Abusive Relationships
by Bert H. Hoff and Roger Easterbrooks
Not as down-talking as the title makes it sound!
Woman Trouble
by Cathy Young
A short essay on female-to-male domestic violence, and what you as a man can do.
The Hidden
Side of Violence: an essay summary of the Book 'Abused
Men: The Hidden Side of Violence'and
"The Death of Phil Hartman: Why it won't be Analyzed"
By Phillip Cook, author of Abused Men: The Hidden Side of Domestic Violence
Myths about Male Sexual Abuse
from the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization
The Cop and The
SurvivorWonderful collaborative effort on domestic violence by, you guessed it, a retired cop and a DV survivor.
Among scary stats, a quiz, message boards and links, they've written a fabulous essay on resolving gender bias in domestic violence issues. Check that essay out here: There is a Way Out of Domestic Violence
Husband Battering
Great collection of resources, essays and the latest statistics.
Abused Guy Pages
Support & readings for abused men.
Resources for Men in Destructive Relationships
By Jeff Gibbs, author of I Never Chased Him With a Knife Unless It Was Called For! and Other Stories
Instructions on creating your own support group for abused men.
"Are you a Male Victim of Intimate Partner Violence?"
An online brochure
Model of Domestic Violence Against Men
A good re-working of the classic 'Duluth abuse wheel' description.
Citations for Research on Husband Abuse
from www.vix.com
Man to Man : A Guide
for Men in Abusive RelationshipsBook by Edward W. Gondolf, David M. Russell
Female-to-Female and Male-to-Male Abuse
Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Domestic Violence in 2000
Compiled by the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs with the New York City Gay and Lesbian Anti-Violence Project (pdf file; requires Adobe Acrobat to read)
Power and
Personality: An Analysis of Gay Male Intimate
Abuseby Donald Dutton, leading researcher of domestic violence and personality disorders, and Monica Landolt, 1997 Excellent article!
"In the present study, we found that when abuse does occur, it is not necessarily associated with power dominance, but with divided-power, as opposed to the most egalitarian power dynamic. Indeed, our results indicate that abuse can occur in roughly equal relationships." "[...] the centrality of Borderline Personality Organization in the Abusive Personality appears to be consistent across both heterosexual and gay male samples."
Gay Partner
Abuse ProjectExcellent site for gay men; includes a gay version of the 'Wheel of Violence"
Gay Men's Domestic Violence Project
Unwanted Sexual Experiences and Sexual Risks in Gay and Bisexual Men: Associations Among Revictimization, Substance Use, and Psychiatric Symptoms
by Seth C. Kalichman, Feb 2001
"Explanations for the association between child sexual abuse and unwanted sexual events in adulthood have emphasized the roles of psychiatric symptoms such as dissociation, trauma-related anxiety, and borderline personality characteristics. Dissociation serves as a cognitive and emotional escape strategy that can be effective in coping with childhood trauma but becomes maladaptive in adulthood. Dissociation in response to fear producing events can translate to ignoring potential risks, including risks for HIV-AIDS. [...] Trauma, dissociation, and borderline characteristics may be important risk factors for substance abuse, unwanted sexual experiences, and sexual revictimization in women. However, to our knowledge sexual revictimization, dissociation, trauma-related anxiety, and borderline characteristics have not been investigated in relation to unwanted sexual experiences among gay and bisexual men. The purpose of the current study was, therefore, to extend findings reported in studies of women to men who have sex with men, and to examine revictimization as a risk factor for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) in men who have sex with men."
Men Who Beat the Men Who Love Them: Battered Gay Men and Domestic Violence
Book by David Island
Same-Sex Domestic Violence Bibliography
The Second
Closet: Domestic Violence in Lesbian and Gay
Relationships: A Western Australian PerspectiveExcellent comprehensive article by Lee Vickers
The gay community's dirty secret -- domestic violence -- is finally coming out of the closet
by Ros Davidson
Community United Against Domestic Violence Same-Sex Resources page
GayScape Listings of Online Resources for GLBT victims of Domestic Violence
The Gay & Lesbian Self-Esteem Book
by Kimeron N. Hardin Ph.D.
My Trip to
Oz and Back: A True "Retrospective" Story Of My
Relationship With A Person With BPDFabulous letter written by a non-Borderline to her BP lover at the close of their relationship.
Is your girlfriend abusive? You are not alone
From the Network for Battered Lesbians and Bisexuals (also in Spanish!)
Advocates for Abused and Battered Lesbians
Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships
Great page with links to advocacy and bibliography on lesbian domestic violence.
Myths about Abuse in Lesbian Relationships
Rainbow
Hope: Online Support Group for Lesbian Survivors of Abuse
and Their PartnersForum, email lists, articles and support.
Violent Betrayal: Partner Abuse in Lesbian Relationships
by Claire M. Renzetti
Woman-To-Woman Sexual Violence : Does She Call It Rape?
by Lori B. Girshick
"A woman raping another woman is unthinkable. This is not how women behave, society tells us. Our legal system is not equipped to handle woman-to-woman sexual assault, our women's services do not have the resources or even the words to reach out to its victims, and our lesbian and gay communities face hurdles in acknowledging its existence. Already dealing with complex issues related to their sexual identities, and frequently overwhelmed by shame, lesbian and bisexual survivors of such violence are among the most isolated of crime victims." ~from the review
Abuse of Women
Why Don't These
Women Just Leave?Excellent autobiographical article by Elaine Weiss
Why Do Battered Women Feel Trapped?
Male
Perpetrators of Violence Against Women: An Attachment
Theory PerspectiveExcellent full-text article by Peter Fonagy, Ph.D., 1999
"The author proposes a theory based on a psychoanalytic understanding of the development of the self and highlights similarities between the clinical presentation of male perpetrators and those with borderline personality disorder."
A Comparison of Impulsive and Instrumental Subgroups of Batterers
Excellent article by Donald Dutton, leading researcher of abuser personalities, and Roger Tweed, 1998
This article reviews decades of study on abusive personality types and distinguishes between "instrumental" (antisocial) batterers and "impulsive" (dysphoric/borderline) batterers. It then discusses variations in attachment profiles to more exactly understand the etiology of these abusers.
"The impulsive batterers ([...] labeled
Dysphoric/Borderline), primarily confine violence to
their family, carry out moderate to severe violence,
and engage in sexual and psychological abuse. These
batterers are emotionally volatile [...],
psychologically distressed, have Borderline and
Schizoid personality disorders, elevated levels of
depression, and more likely to have substance abuse
problems. [...] withdrawn, asocial, moody,
hypersensitive to perceived slights, volatile and
over-reactive, calm and controlled one moment and
extremely angry and oppressive the next - a type of
"Jekyll and Hyde" personality."
Testing the Holtzworth-Munroe and Stuart batterer typology
by A. Holtzworth-Munroe, et al, 2000
From the abstract: "A. Holtzworth-Munroe and G. L.
Stuart (1994) proposed that 3 subtypes (family only
[FO], borderline-dysphoric [BD], and generally
violent-antisocial [GVA]) would be identified using 3
descriptive dimensions (i.e., severity of marital
violence, generality of violence, psychopathology) and
would differ on distal and proximal correlates of
violence. [...] Four clusters of violent men were
identified. Three resembled the predicted subtypes and
generally differed in the manner predicted (e.g., FO
men resembled nonviolent groups: BD men scored highest
on measures of dependency and jealousy; GVA men had the
most involvement with delinquent peers, substance
abuse, and criminal behavior; and both BD and GVA men
were impulsive, accepted violence, were hostile toward
women, and lacked social skills)."
Why Doesn't She Leave?
by Ann Jones
Stay or Leave? Go Back or Stay Away?
by Kim Eyer
Recognizing Emotional Abusers
Wife Rape (Marital/Spousal Rape) Information & Resources
Perspectives on Acquaintance/Spousal Rape
by David G. Curtis, Ph.D., B.C.E.T.S.
What to Do
When Love Turns Violent : A Practical Resource for Women
in Abusive Relationshipsby Marian Betancourt
Excellent book with loads of pertinent information on when to call 911, how to leave safely, testifying, seeking shelter, etc.
Wife
Killers Are Not "Normal Guys"by Susanne Smith, whose sister was murdered by her Borderline husband in a rage. Read the entire article and be honest with yourself if there are any similarities between what Susanne describes seeing in her sister's relationship, and your own. Provides a good heads-up for those who believe their loved ones don't 'see' what is happening inside their abusive intimate relationship.
Wearing Her Down: Understanding and Responding to Emotional Abuse
Very good, thoughtful article by Cheryl Champagne
Keeping the Faith : Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse
by Marie M. Fortune
Recommended as a sensible and sensitive guide to the staying/leaving dynamic for Christian women
Staying or Leaving?
Evaluating An Abusive Relationship with a Borderline
Evaluating An Abusive Relationship with a Borderline
Nobody can advise you in this situation better than
yourself, but I highly recommend reading the links in
this section first.
Path To A
Brighter Future"A Self-Help Program for NonBPs." A set of gentle, thoughtful exercises for you to work through as you come to your decision about this relationship.
Cutting Your Losses? Or Maximizing Your Gains?
by Non-Guy
From his excellent
Path to the Light
web siteMy Trip to Oz and Back: A True "Retrospective" Story Of My Relationship With A Person With BPD
Fabulous letter written by a non-Borderline to her BP lover at the close of their relationship: long, but you just can't put it down. Very helpful to see how someone else has worked through their decision to leave an abusive relationship with an untreated Borderline.
Should I Stay or Go:
How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your
Marriageby Lee Raffel, Jean Houston
Excellent book to provoke you out of the black/white, all-or-nothing thinking of your Borderline partner.
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay : A Step-By-Step Guide to Helping You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship
by Mira Kirshenbaum
Whereas this book doesn't take actual mental illness into account, it's an excellent starting-off point for thinking things over.
Psychological Barriers to Changeby Patrice Guillaume
Excellent detailed essays on the reasons it may be very hard for you to contemplate changing your current emotional situation.
Decisions, Decisions, Decisions
by Joanne Tangedahl
The Spouse/
Mate of the Narcissistby Sam Vaknin
Addicted To The Addicted
by Dalene Entenmann
Hot and Cold Love Addicts: A Lethal
CombinationBy Susan Peabody
Author of Addiction to Love: Overcoming Obsession and Dependency in Relationships
Lays out the basic forms of love addiction and how the dynamic works between a "hot" and a "cold" addict.
The Red Flag List -- Warning Signs that He (or She) is Bad News
brought to you by Heartless-Bitches.com. This is a fabulous, wise list! (some R-rated language)
Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser/How to
Leave a LoserJoseph M. Carver, Ph.D. offers some excellent practical tips!
Barriers to Leaving: Situational, Emotional and Personal Factors
A comprehensive but clear checklist.
Some idle thoughts on fishing & intermittent reinforcement
Fear of Loss
by Phil Walmsley
Is Divorce the Answer to Spousal Abuse?
by Ginny Hunt
This thoughtful and loving essay is vital reading for any Christian woman who is reluctant to leave her abusive marriage for religious reasons.
Also read Ginny's writing on Submission: What Does it Mean for the Abused Woman?
Keeping the Faith : Guidance for Christian Women Facing Abuse
by Marie M. Fortune
Recommended as a sensible and sensitive guide to the staying/leaving dynamic for Christian women.
For Better or For Worse: A Blessing or A Curse
by Melissa Martin
Recommended by a reader as a balanced Christian perspective on domestic violence.
The Gift of Fear: Survival Signals
That Protect Us from Violenceby Gavin De Becker, 1998
Great book with tips for recognizing the almost predictable development of abusive signs -- highly recommended!
Child Witnesses to Domestic
ViolenceMore excellent reasons to consider leaving.
Problems
Associated with Children's Witnessing of Domestic
Violenceby Jeffrey L. Edleson, Ph.D.
Very important article for folks co-parenting with a BP partner to read.
Cycle of child sexual abuse: links between being a victim and becoming a perpetrator
Abstract of findings by M. Glasser, I. Kolvin, 2001
This study found that "among 747 males, the risk of being a perpetrator was positively correlated with reported sexual abuse victim experiences. The overall rate of having been a victim was 35% for perpetrators and 11% for non-perpetrators. Of the 96 females, 43% had been victims but only one was a perpetrator."
Symbiosis and
Attachment HungerKey ideas from transactional analysis by Tony White, 1997
Live Chat for Women in Abusive Relationships
Wednesdays at 9:00 EST: 'Not so sure about this relationship' support chat
Stay or Leave? Go Back or Stay Away?
by Kim Eyer
Please continue onwards to the materials on --->
Leaving and Healing from an Abusive Relationship with a Borderline Partner/Spouse
Leaving and Healing from an Abusive Relationship with a Borderline Partner/Spouse
For Concerned Friends Who Witness Domestic Abuse
How Can I Help Someone who is being Abused?
"Wife
Killers Are Not "Normal Guys"by Susanne Smith, whose sister was murdered by her Borderline husband in a rage. This article provides some excellent emotional perspective from the view of someone close to the abusee.
The Trauma of Victimization
Great overview from the National Organization for Victims' Assistance
Do's and Don'ts for speaking with (female) friends you suspect are being abused
When a Friend or Loved One has been Traumatized
Courtesy of the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies